Setting up your Boundaries
When it comes to increasing your odds of success in the lifestyle, one of the most important things you can do is discuss as much as possible with your partner in advance. The more topics you cover, the fewer surprises will come up in the future. It can be hard to determine exactly what you might want to talk about, if you’re new to any form of ENM - so we’ve compiled a large number of concepts and terms you might want to bring up, well before any play happens.
Types of Sex
Kissing
Are you okay with your partner kissing someone else? Does the way in which they kiss matter?
Oral Sex
How do you feel about your partner performing oral sex on someone? What does your partner think of you receiving oral sex? In the case of a blowjob, is spitting or swallowing okay?
Penetrative Sex
Are you okay with your partner engaging in penetrative sex with someone? How do they feel about you engaging in it?
Bisexuality
If applicable, what’s your level of comfort with your partner playing with someone of the same sex?
Exhibitionism
Do you or your partner feel okay about being watched by others - like at a lifestyle club, or one partner watching the other play, for instance?
Kink
What do you think about you or your partner engaging in activities that might be considered “kinky,” such as bondage, choking, degradation, power dynamics, and other interests?
Anal Play
Are you and your partner comfortable with one or the other engaging in any sort of anal play, including anal sex, rimming, and other types of similar activities?
Dynamics
Starting Play
Some couples prefer to play together right before they play with others. How do you and your partner feel about this?
Finishing / Orgasm
Do you or your partner want to always finish the play session by finishing with each other, even if the play session involves sex with other people?
Singles and Couples
Are you and your partner comfortable playing with couples? What about with someone that’s single?
Solo Play
What do you think about your partner going off to play without you? What do they think about you doing so? Also, what’s your opinion on texting and/or sexting without you involved in the conversation?
Partial Play
What if only one person in a couple wants to engage in any play? How does that feel for your dynamic?
First Meetings
Do you and your partner intend to play, the first time you meet an individual or couple? How do you both feel about the subject?
Being a First Swap or Play Session
Do you and your partner feel any particular way about being another couple’s first swap? What about an individual’s first experience with a couple?
Vanilla Friends
Is playing with those not in the lifestyle off-limits? Why or why not? Do you or your partner intend to keep things to ENM/Swinging-aware people for play?
Coworkers
What about the idea of playing with those that come from your or your partner’s workplace? Is that too complicated to deal with, or are exceptions possible or wanted?
Degree of Relationships
How close are you willing to let your partner be with playmates? Is polyamory a part of the equation for you both? Are you only willing to play with strangers, or are “friends with benefits” allowed?
Open Relationships
If you and your partner come across an individual in a married, open relationship, do you need to talk with or meet with their spouse prior to any sort of play?
Established and New Couples
Are there any rules for you and your partner when it comes to playing with those that have been in a relationship for a longer period of time, or are newer in their relationship? If you were to play with a couple, and friction were introduced in their relationship, how would that affect things for you both?
Location
Hosting
Do you and your partner feel comfortable hosting at your house? How do you both feel about playing at another couple’s (or individual’s) house?
Locality
Are you and your partner primarily interested in playing with those local to your location?
STIs and contraception
Testing
Do you or your partner require STI test results before playing with someone? Is this kind of discussion a requirement, in general?
Condoms
Are condoms required for any play? Are you and your partner comfortable with play partners not always using condoms when they play with other people?
Birth Control
Do you or your partner require women you play with to be on a form of birth control besides condoms? Do men need to have vasectomies?
Specific Boundaries
Triggers
Do you or your partner have any hard boundaries, or specific acts which are triggering from trauma (or any other reason)? It’s best to make these as obvious as possible for the other play partner(s), too.
Menstruation
If applicable, how do you or your partner feel about playing while menstruating? What’s your stance on playing with others that are menstruating?
Photos and Videos
What are the rules when it comes to taking photos and videos during play (and otherwise)? None? Some in specific situations? Everything is okay?
After Sex
Cuddling
Is it okay for your partner to cuddle with someone after play? Are they okay with you doing so?